One Year Later...

...and all I've got to show for it is a blog post.

Ok, that's not really true. I'm alive, I'm happier, I'm healthier now. I'm in a better place mentally. I got promoted. I bought a new car. I wrote some new songs, got some new stuff, and can honestly say, "I've been there" to my hurting friends. I grew up. I 'got better'. I made some new friends, had some new experiences, and met the love of my life who held me up when I wanted to fall down and made me see that there's more to life than just me.

In all, it's been a pretty good year. I'm very lucky. And to the ones who saved me, who held me, who led me, who taught me, who loved me,
Thank you so much. I will return the favor.

Hang on, because one day you'll be sitting where I am.
Ness

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I couldn't think of a title, so I just hit my phone a bunch of times and that's what came out.

I guess the only way to stop hurting is to forgive, right? But I'll never forget. I wish I could, but there's just no way. Maybe its better if I don't.
The thing is, every single fucking time I open myself up, I take off my oh-so-carefully built armor, I make myself vulnerable, however you want to say it; I get hurt. And I'm not talking about normal hurts that you can just slap a bandaid over and off you go. I mean the kind that stay with you forever. The kind that make you afraid, the kind that prove to you once and for all that you'll never be good enough.
I won't lie--I am one fucked-up individual. But its not fucking fair that this keeps happening to me. I don't know if everyone else is just weak, or if I attract people like this, or what; but let's get this straight once and fucking for all.
I. Am. A. Human. Being. I. Deserve. To. Be. Respected.
And if I'm not enough, then guess what--that's not my fault. I have done my best to be everything I can be. The rest is up to you...let's hope you can get it right next time. Because as soon as the words, "I love you" leave your face, you had better mean them.
Hang on,
Ness

All These Things I Hate...

...Revolve Around You.

For days, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly. I cant sleep because I'm sick and I'm hurt. I can't eat because somehow, this all comes back to me and if I were perfect, maybe this wouldn't keep happening to me.

All I want is to be enough. But I am never enough. There's always something wrong, something you can get elsewhere. I'm so tired of not being enough. It hurts. And I'm tired of hurting.
I'm afraid again. And I hurt so much. And I can't talk to anyone about it. And I'm never, never enough.
Sorry for being so cryptic. But like I said, I can't talk to anyone about it.

Hang on,
Ness

What Hurts The Most...

...is not being able to explain why or how much it hurts.

There are things I hate, and lots of them. Broken promises are at the top. The inability to thoroughly and effectively communicate a point is right below broken promises on my list.

I am deeply hurt, and I can't explain why.

This same thing that hurts me now has hurt me several times before, and every single time, I find myself unable to explain why it hurts me so badly. Which makes the original hurt that much worse. And the worst part of all is that I can't talk about it. To anyone.

When nobody knows, it feels like nobody cares. And every time this happens, I die a little inside. I just want it to stop, and now I understand that it never will.

Hang on,
Ness

Chevelle, among other things.

I haven't posted anything in awhile.

There's really nothing going on. I'm going see Chevelle soon, in a city I've never been to. That's exciting. I'm getting my ass whooped in Words With Friends. Sudoku is difficult for my brain to comprehend today. I'm cold. Sonar still remains in the realm of Astrophysics. I feel really stupid today. I'm pretty bored. I haven't been hungry for three days, so I haven't really eaten anything...maybe that's why I feel so stupid. Actually, most days, I feel like Celia Foote from The Help; unbelievably stupid and pretty much unwanted in any company besides that of my faithful and saintlike significant other.

I guess that's it.

Hang on,
Ness