Lolwut?

Life is fucking hilarious.

No, really. Think about it. Almost every part of everyday life can be thought of as funny. 
     Let's start with food. Like a pop tart. You unwrap it, stick it in your mouth, and chew the shit out of it like it's the soul of your mortal enemy. From there, your conquered sustenance rumbles and gurgles through your slimy insides in a masticated mess until it comes out. Through your ass. I find this HILARIOUS. You put things in your mouth so that they will come out of your ass. And if they don't, you get all worried and make haste to the nearest physician. All because something doesn't come out of your butt. 
     You don't think that's funny? Well, then, as Kurt Kobain said, you must be a closet pedophile. No, really. He said it. Look up the history of the baby on the cover of Nevermind. 

     On to the next one: sex. 
     There's a small animal attached to your man. If you touch it, or take off your clothes, or bend over, or walk three steps, or cock your head, or raise an eyebrow, or touch your hair, or eat a Popsicle, or dance, or cook, or clean or have a PHD or go to the bathroom or drive a car or have a job or like The Band Perry or watch tv or do ANYTHING, it gets hard. 
     Then, between your  legs, those two tree-trunks of flesh and bone and hair that we hate so much, there's a hole. This small animal wants to go in the hole because it is dark and warm and small animal can hide in it. And if you move around enough, weird noises are made, and small animal named Penis throws up all over. 
     Think about it, but not too much. This is pure comedic gold. Sex is the funniest thing on the whole damn planet, when it doesn't make you sick. Buttsex is even funnier, but we'll save that for another time because I don't know anything about it other than what my gay friends tell me.
      Sex is also a great way to make money: all you gotta do is find some rich old bastard who will do anything to make his small animal throw up. He'll pay whatever you want, because guys can't survive without that shit. That's the funniest part! 
  
     How about coffee? That's a riot. 
     You arrive at Scarfucks during Morning Rush. You're in a hurry to get to work, because you forgot for a second that billions of other people want their coffee too, and you--yes, the Almighty You--must wait in line. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. These fuckholes are going to ruin your day. You wait, and wait, and wait in the crush of business-clad bodies reeking of last night's beer until (FINALLY) it's your turn at the register. You order a mochaccino machinati with extra vanilla, three pumps of espresso, no foam, light foam, whipped cream, skim, soy, and toasted almond. 
     Holy shit. This upstart barista says no such drink exists. You were SURE it did, you saw it on The Colbert Report. And she has the balls to ask you what SIZE. The fuck. You say your order again. You scream it. YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING GOLD CARD! DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING!? You bellow, you put up your dukes, you demand to speak with the manager. Of course. She is the manager. 
 Enraged, you order a small coffee instead. Holy shit, it's a dollar and a half. Don't these assholes know that you need the Nectar of the Gods to function?! The nerve. Think about it: 97.666% of the world can't function without a cup of brown water. Or brown water thrown into half a gallon of milk and syrup. I think it's funny. 

     Boobs! Breasts are two big bags of fat welded to your chest. Fat! We hate fat! But guys love them! Why? We'll never know, but it sure is funny! I made good use of mine by paying somebody to put metal bars into them. Now they're pierced and I am cool. 

     Asses! There's a song that my boyfriend's friend made up to remind herself what guys like. It goes like this: "ass and titties, ass ass and titties!" Guys like ass, and it's yet another Mystery Of The Universe that we will never figure out. An ass is another bag of fat, with a crack down the middle. It's also the location of the Ass-Hole (see my second paragraph). 
     
     Dentists! They make money by sticking their hands in your mouth and causing you pain! I think it's funny! 

     Oatmeal! Who eats that shit!?

     Nudists! Hilarious! 

     Dictators! They think they're the shit, we think they're humorous! 

     Testicles! WHAT THE FUCK!?

     Ok, so do you see my point now? Life is funny. Everything in life is funny. Especially YouTube. But also things like sex and food and oatmeal. 

Hang on, 
Ness