Barbie Doll

I am finding it more difficult than ever to fit in my own skin.

I'm not sure what caused this, but recently, I find my image disgusting. I'm probably about 105lbs now, but none of it is muscle. I have stretch marks all over from when I was a kid and I got fat. My skin is the color of elmer's glue. I hate my fucking smile. I hate my hair, I hate my fingers, I hate my nose, I hate everything. 

      I don't know what to do about it. Sure, I can burn twice as many calories as I take in...I can avoid taking in any at all. That's not going to help me get better, though. It won't do anything to make my hair grow, or get rid of the snarl that appears on my face every time I try to smile. 

     For once, I don't feel disgusting because I know I'm fucked up on the inside. This time, it's purely superficial and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

     There's this woman, this foreign trophy wife who comes into my store sometimes. She's totally fake--long, blonde extensions, huge boobs, a perfect ass, good lips, good nose, all that shit. She's always been very nice to me. All my coworkers make fun of her because she's fucking plastic, but every time I see her, I get sad because I want to look like her. 

     Anyway, since I am in the business of getting better, I need to find a way to change what I'm seeing now. I mean, I'm not massive, so why do I feel like I am? A good friend of mine told me that my perspective has to change in order for me to feel better about myself, but I'm not quite sure how to do that. Is it a repetition thing--like repeating to myself when I look in the mirror that I'm fine the way I am? Is it one of those deals where you slap yourself on the wrist when you find yourself thinking that you're ugly? I don't know. 

     Something's gotta give, though, because I can't do this to myself again. I destroyed myself last time, and I'm pretty sure I'm trying to stop that. 

     This was a dumb post, I know. I sound like such a high-school anorexic. "Wah, Wah, Wah. I'm all ugly and fat, woe is me, I'm gonna go puke in the toilet now and then pick on some math geeks." This is, however, my blog and I'll put in here what's on my mind. (This is what's on my mind, if you missed that the first time.)

    I found Pumas for $40.00 yesterday. Can you say 'score'? I sure did! 

Hang on,
Ness