Everything.

This has been the most painful week I've had in years. I've reached the point where I can almost talk about what happened without crying, though there are still times that I can't breathe because of the pain. I know I'm not ready to have a kid. I know I'm still a kid myself. But I wanted that one and now I'll never get to have it. I miss my child, if you can call it that. These days, the term 'fetus' would be considered more politically correct, though I believe that that was a person in its own right. Who he or she would have been, I'll never know. And that still kills me. Every time I see a woman with her kids, I get this sense of utter loss that I don't think I can handle. I know I should just get over it, but I can't right now. That could've been me, if something didn't go wrong. Everyone tells me there will be others, but no one seems to understand that I don't WANT another. I want mine. I want that one. I want the one I'll never get to see, never get to hold, never get to love properly. I would have given that child everything. So I guess that's it. I'll never be a mother, because the only way I would want to be one is if somehow, I could have what I had. I'll never love anything like I love what I lost, because I don't think I CAN love anything like I love what I can't have. I don't think it's fair that people like James Holmes and Hitler got to live when my child, who would have had all the love in the world, didn't even get to make it through the first trimester. I don't think it's fair that people like Casey Anthony (whether she killed her daughter or not), who clearly didn't care about her child, get to give birth and I don't. I don't think it's fair that women can just decide they don't want to accept the consequences of their actions and have abortions and I'll never get the chance to hold my child in my arms. Life isn't fair, is it? No. Life fucking sucks. And then you die. Hang on, Ness