I'm at it again.
I'm playing the church game. I got up early, put on my pretty dress, pulled some cash out of my (sadly depleted) savings account, and in 15 minutes, I will be walking in the front door of the place that strikes more fear and trepidation into my heart than any dentist ever could.
Why, you ask? I'm not sure. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I drive all the way up here to go somewhere when I know it's just going to make me into a depressed mess all day? Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I'm waiting to get struck by lightening. Maybe I'm hoping for change.
Wish me luck!
Hang on,
Ness
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Three Months Later
I am alive.
Tomorrow, it will be 3 months to the day since the day I almost killed myself. 3 months of near-constant changing. I am the same, but I am completely different.
I am grateful to be here, and I am indebted beyond words to the people who have been--and still are--there for me.
I'm not really sure what to write. It's been a long fucking time since I've had much to write about. These days, I mostly just wake up and go to work, then hang out with someone or go to sleep.
Despite the fact that so much has changed, I still deal with depression. I don't take anything for it, but I'm trying to handle it better. I know how to get through without hurting myself, and now I am working on not letting it affect me at all. It's tough.
I'm still working on alot of other things, too. There are times when what happened comes back to bite me. I still feel damaged sometimes, I still feel like I'm not as good as everybody else because of what happened. This gets especially bad when I've had a few drinks, and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to challenge these feelings as they come because otherwise I'll go stagnant and then start slipping again.
I'm up to about 106 lbs now and eating almost regularly. I am still my own biggest critic, and that won't change for awhile.
Voice lessons are going well. I am a straight-up soprano now, and this is fucking awesome.
I guess that's all I have for now.
Hang on,
Ness
Tomorrow, it will be 3 months to the day since the day I almost killed myself. 3 months of near-constant changing. I am the same, but I am completely different.
I am grateful to be here, and I am indebted beyond words to the people who have been--and still are--there for me.
I'm not really sure what to write. It's been a long fucking time since I've had much to write about. These days, I mostly just wake up and go to work, then hang out with someone or go to sleep.
Despite the fact that so much has changed, I still deal with depression. I don't take anything for it, but I'm trying to handle it better. I know how to get through without hurting myself, and now I am working on not letting it affect me at all. It's tough.
I'm still working on alot of other things, too. There are times when what happened comes back to bite me. I still feel damaged sometimes, I still feel like I'm not as good as everybody else because of what happened. This gets especially bad when I've had a few drinks, and I'm not sure why. I'm trying to challenge these feelings as they come because otherwise I'll go stagnant and then start slipping again.
I'm up to about 106 lbs now and eating almost regularly. I am still my own biggest critic, and that won't change for awhile.
Voice lessons are going well. I am a straight-up soprano now, and this is fucking awesome.
I guess that's all I have for now.
Hang on,
Ness
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