Monday 18 February 2013

When The Sun Rose Again

Welcome to 2013. As usual, I find myself ill-equipped and unprepared to deal with life.

Reading over my old posts, I realized that I sound exactly the same on paper as I do in my own head: pathetic. And you know what? I've never heard an adjective that describes me better.

It's the honest-to-God truth: I am a pathetic individual. Whether it's due to the chemical imbalance in my brain or my own damn weakness, I am the most vile character I've ever had the misfortune of encountering.

But that's not why I'm writing tonight. I'm writing because I don't know what else to do.

On Christmas Eve, I lost my best friend. One could argue that I lost him quite some time before that, but Christmas Eve was the night it really, really ended. But I'm getting vague.
     Instead of the ring I had hoped to get this year, I got that sick emptiness that fills a person whenever she realizes that she is really, truly alone. I got to take down all of the pictures and notes, change the Facebook relationship status, and try desperately to avoid questions about why the love of my life wasn't coming over for Christmas.
     I spent Christmas day sitting in my car in an empty parking lot, chain-smoking and crying my fucking eyes out.

     At this point, dear readers (if you exist, and I do hope you don't), I don't give a solid fuck what you think of me. I'm writing this online because there's a chance that he may read it without any of our mutual friends being able to see it. I'm writing this at all because I feel like there's so much I still need to say and now I'll never get to.

       I know you won't see this. Half of me hopes you won't...the part of me that still has some semblance of pride, the part of me that wants to look like I'm not torn to fucking shreds. The other half desperately wants you to, so you can understand both the depths of my torment and the depths of my love.
      I just need to say that I loved you beyond words, beyond time, beyond touch, beyond pain, beyond breath, beyond life. I honestly thought that you were mine forever. I built my life around you, around the idea of 'us'.
      I'm sorry I didn't quit smoking. Believe me, I did try. I gave it my all every time. I don't know why I wasn't successful. It's the only thing I've ever tried that I couldn't do. And you're the only person I'd try for.
     Thank you for everything. Every moment, every memory I had with you was something I treasure. And literally everything is a memory now. Congratulations: you've stained everything I ever found beautiful, sad, funny, awful, painful or familiar. I don't know if that's good or bad. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and dreams and goals for the past 2 years. Thank you for your love: I have never known real love before you. There's a knife in my chest where love used to be. I can't decide if it's better than being numb.
     I tried. If you had any idea what I go through every day, any semblance of understanding of what goes on inside my head, you would've been so proud of me. All the simple things that most girls do without even thinking about were a battle for me, but I did it for you. I fought for you and for us every step of the way. I know I was far from perfect, or even ideal--but if you only KNEW. If you only knew.
     And finally: I'm sorry I'm fucking crazy. I'm sorry I didn't manage to warn you before we started dating (believe me, I tried). I'm sorry I couldn't hide it from you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from me. I know now that I'm too far gone to save and that there's not a man on earth who is prepared, equipped or willing to deal with this level of decay. I can't forsee my ever 'getting married and living happily ever after'. I don't think I'm going to grow old with the love of my life. This isn't self-pity; it's honesty. Don't feel bad that you couldn't handle me. You made it farther than anyone else...I'm just too much for love. Thank you for trying and for making me feel like I was going to be ok.
     I want the best for you in life. I hope to God you make it through school (don't stop with your associates degree...you need to go for your bachelor's and probably your master's if you want to be an engineer) and that you get the job you've always wanted. I hope you get to work for Lockheed Martin for awhile. Then I hope you either start a successful business or start flipping real-estate so you can get that passive income you were always talking about. I hope you get Success Rice on the road. I hope it's everything you wanted it to be once it's finished. I hope you get out of this fucking state. I hope Trucky keeps running for you. And most of all, I hope you find a girl who isn't crazy, who cares about your dreams and goals as much as I do. A girl who wants to see you succeed as much as I do. One who works alongside you like I did. I hope you find one who loves you as much as I do. I really hope you do.
     Remember that you are worth the world, and if she doesn't treat you like you are, then she doesn't deserve you. You are what every girl dreams about. And I wish I was worthy of you, but you deserve someone whole.
     I love you.