...but that's ok, 'cause I'm still fly.
I have been spending a ridiculous amount of money lately on things that promise to make me pretty and perfect, and none of them live up to their claims. No matter what I do, I still feel ugly. And I still feel hollow inside.
I am desperate to feel something other than ugly, and nothing I do makes me feel any better. I'm obsessed with my appearance and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly looking at myself. I'm sick of feeling like I look like I feel. I spent over $800 this month on cosmetics, clothes, and various and sundry appliances to hide the way I feel and its really getting out of hand.
Everyone I talk to says the same thing. That I am pretty. This doesn't help. The boob job I'm saving up for won't help. The $200 hair extensions I'm saving up for won't help. Whitening my teeth, losing weight, tanning, new clothes, new shoes, plastic surgery, hair color, jewelry, a total fucking rebuild won't help. Because no matter what, I'm still me, and I'm still going to feel this way.
Hang on,
Ness
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Sunday, 1 April 2012
All My Love...
...is yours to waste.
Yesterday, I had the curious experience of laughing and crying at the same time. Crying and I are bitter enemies; in myself, I see it as a sign of weakness. Laughing is one of those things I do nearly as often as I breathe, because my life is so fucking funny. Sometimes it's a cosmic joke. Sometimes it's a punchline.
The problem with me is that love is always accompanied by pain. When I love, I love with every single cell, and that hurts sometimes. I'm still not sure why. So I laughed and cried and was ecstatically happy and in bitter pain at the same time. Damn confusing.
I have had the unbelievable honor of spending the past year with the most amazing man ever created. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me and I am completely dumbfounded at this turn my life has taken. I must be the luckiest person alive. He makes everything that happened to me ok.
I hope every girl finds a guy like him.
Hang on,
Ness
Yesterday, I had the curious experience of laughing and crying at the same time. Crying and I are bitter enemies; in myself, I see it as a sign of weakness. Laughing is one of those things I do nearly as often as I breathe, because my life is so fucking funny. Sometimes it's a cosmic joke. Sometimes it's a punchline.
The problem with me is that love is always accompanied by pain. When I love, I love with every single cell, and that hurts sometimes. I'm still not sure why. So I laughed and cried and was ecstatically happy and in bitter pain at the same time. Damn confusing.
I have had the unbelievable honor of spending the past year with the most amazing man ever created. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me and I am completely dumbfounded at this turn my life has taken. I must be the luckiest person alive. He makes everything that happened to me ok.
I hope every girl finds a guy like him.
Hang on,
Ness
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