I started this blog as a way to get my past off my chest and hopefully help some poor soul with a story like mine, but now it's become a journal of sorts...a way to order my thoughts, confront my pain, and hopefully find answers to the seemingly worthless anguish in this life.
It's been one month today since I lost my child. The pain has lessened somewhat, but it's still there. Dull and throbbing or piercing like a knife, I can't seem to forget that for a month (one short, beautiful month) I was a mother and now I never will be again.
I was thinking today and came to the conclusion that my body is not a temple...it's a death trap. And most days, I hate it. I despise myself for whatever I did. I loathe whatever imperfect part of me made it impossible to carry my son or daughter, whatever hidden piece of me isn't safe. I'd like to cut it out, to lacerate it in the same careless, mindless manner that it did my heart. I'd like to kill it, like it did my baby. Because it isn't safe. Because it is guilty. Because I need something to blame for this. Something to punish for this.
I sound like one crazy-ass motherfucker, don't I? I feel guilty when I'm happy. Is that bad?
Dear Ness:
ReplyDeleteWhat in the world makes you think your body is to blame? It could be genetics, over which you have no control, and whose chain of causation goes so far back you can never find its beginning. It could be environmental factors, again, over which you have no control. You can't change the smog and preservatives all around yourself. I say this not from a lack of sympathy, but from a kind of terror over your desire to hurt yourself as a result of this loss. Maybe your self-directed anger is natural and normal -- but you are also a rational person who can talk sense into yourself! Do not hurt yourself! What good would that do to the poor lost baby? If he or she were here, you would preserve your own precious body in order to nurture and protect that little one. Do you think you should do any less because s/he is not here with you? Your body didn't kill your baby. Your body isn't a death trap. Your body contributed to the creation of life -- you do not know what took that life away, nor why. Annoyingly, there is no one simple person or cause to blame. You can't take this pain out on yourself. You can't take it out on someone else. The reality is far more complicated than that. I know this probably doesn't help, and I'm sorry. I haven't been through this horrible suffering that you are experiencing, so I can't say I know what it's like. Just don't hurt yourself, Ness. Your child wouldn't want you to.