Day One, Step One

Well, I just got home from my first psychology appointment. She was a nice, middle-aged lady. Nicely dressed. Cursed once, which made me feel better about the fact that I had just said 'fucking'. She wants me to see a psychiatrist who will evaluate me to see just how messed up I am and how many meds I need to be taking to feel like a normal person. Excuse me, but how is doping supposed to make me feel 'normal'? I don't want to take meds. I just want to find out why I am the way I am, and put some real, solid names to the demons that have been sucking the life out of me for as long as I can remember. Whatever, I'll go see the psychiatrist lady, as long as it means that someone can help me find out who the hell I am when I finally get past all of the shit to the real core of Ness. Who is Ness, and why is she going to kill herself? Why is Ness always alone in her head? Why does Ness always act like somebody else, and why are there so many specific somebodies for every single situation? Why does Ness's skin hurt every time she does something wrong? Why does Ness think every angry man she meets is going to hit her? Why does Ness hate yelling so much? Why can't Ness get out of bed sometimes? Why does music make Ness's chest hurt? Why does Ness hurt herself? Why can't Ness say the bad word? Why does Ness get sick when she thinks about men? Is there really any point in Ness remaining alive? Yes, Mrs. Psychologist, Ness is bat-shit crazy.