I started this blog as a way to get my past off my chest and hopefully help some poor soul with a story like mine, but now it's become a journal of sorts...a way to order my thoughts, confront my pain, and hopefully find answers to the seemingly worthless anguish in this life.
It's been one month today since I lost my child. The pain has lessened somewhat, but it's still there. Dull and throbbing or piercing like a knife, I can't seem to forget that for a month (one short, beautiful month) I was a mother and now I never will be again.
I was thinking today and came to the conclusion that my body is not a temple...it's a death trap. And most days, I hate it. I despise myself for whatever I did. I loathe whatever imperfect part of me made it impossible to carry my son or daughter, whatever hidden piece of me isn't safe. I'd like to cut it out, to lacerate it in the same careless, mindless manner that it did my heart. I'd like to kill it, like it did my baby. Because it isn't safe. Because it is guilty. Because I need something to blame for this. Something to punish for this.
I sound like one crazy-ass motherfucker, don't I? I feel guilty when I'm happy. Is that bad?
Friday, 24 August 2012
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
It's A Girl!
Congrafuckinglations.
Eat shit and die. This isn't getting much better. I'm not crying much anymore, but there's still a massive hole inside of me, and honestly, nothing's going to fill it. How do you replace a child? With another one? Oh sure, that's a great idea. Let me get right on that. A small part of me tells myself I'm being ridiculous...after all, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, and I wasn't pregnant for very long at all. Most of me, however, says that I'm a terrible person because I couldn't keep my child safe. Every time I see pictures or posts on Facebook about my friends' offspring, I find myself falling down into my usual pit of sadness. One of my friends is about to pop one out, and I envy her. I envy her ability to keep her child safe and alive. I envy her luck of the draw. I envy the fact that she isn't tormented every night by what if's and regrets. I can't even talk to anyone, because everyone thinks I'm crazy for dragging this out so long. Every time my boyfriend (religiously) puts on a condom (too much info? Too damn bad.), every time I don't have to per excessively, every time I look at my waistline; every time I pass a maternity store, or the baby aisle; every time I see a magazine about pregnancy, or an article on the internet, or a Facebook post, or change my tampon; or realize that my boyfriend isn't in any rush to marry me anymore, I sink back into my quiet little hole and die a little bit again. I still say goodnight to my baby every time I go to sleep. Fuck life, and death, and whatever the hell is in between.
Eat shit and die. This isn't getting much better. I'm not crying much anymore, but there's still a massive hole inside of me, and honestly, nothing's going to fill it. How do you replace a child? With another one? Oh sure, that's a great idea. Let me get right on that. A small part of me tells myself I'm being ridiculous...after all, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, and I wasn't pregnant for very long at all. Most of me, however, says that I'm a terrible person because I couldn't keep my child safe. Every time I see pictures or posts on Facebook about my friends' offspring, I find myself falling down into my usual pit of sadness. One of my friends is about to pop one out, and I envy her. I envy her ability to keep her child safe and alive. I envy her luck of the draw. I envy the fact that she isn't tormented every night by what if's and regrets. I can't even talk to anyone, because everyone thinks I'm crazy for dragging this out so long. Every time my boyfriend (religiously) puts on a condom (too much info? Too damn bad.), every time I don't have to per excessively, every time I look at my waistline; every time I pass a maternity store, or the baby aisle; every time I see a magazine about pregnancy, or an article on the internet, or a Facebook post, or change my tampon; or realize that my boyfriend isn't in any rush to marry me anymore, I sink back into my quiet little hole and die a little bit again. I still say goodnight to my baby every time I go to sleep. Fuck life, and death, and whatever the hell is in between.
Thursday, 2 August 2012
In Support Of Gay Marriage: An Extraordinarily Verbose, Two-Part Look Into The Institution Of Marriage, The Book Known As 'The Bible', The Constitution, The DOMA And My Mind.
Part One: Wrestling with a backflush 2,000 years long.
In light of the recent Chick-Fil-A scandal, I have decided that it's time to 'come out' with my stance on gay marriage.
And coming out is exactly what it is; In any question of nationwide morals, the individual is always guilty by association. Let me explain where I'm coming from.
I was raised as a fundamental Baptist...meaning that I was raised in a religion which believes that most, if not all, of the Bible is literal and the Absolute Truth, end of story, no questions asked, the end. To question the Bible was to tread treacherous and heretical waters and usually made Mom worry for your soul and Dad jump down your throat. This wasn't intended to be detrimental or harsh, it was simply the way life was as long as we had known it. This is how my parents were raised, and their parents before them, and so on, et cetera, the end.
When the question of homosexuality came up, it was referred to our resident expert, the Lord Jesus Christ and his Holy Word.
The King James Version (the only version for a proper fundamental Baptist) referred to homosexuality as an 'abomination' (Leviticus 18:22, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is an abomination."), and that was the end of the line. Homosexuality was evil, and those people were going to hell. Do not associate with them, for 'you are known by the company you keep' (Psalm 1:1). Problem solved, right? No. Somewhere along the line, I decided that organized religion was not for me and that it was time to rethink my worldviews to better suit my new lifestyle. Yes, the best parts of that religion have stayed with me, but 'because the Bible says so' makes more enemies than friends, especially when you somehow forgot to memorize all the verses to back up your argument. In addition, growing up on a mountain in the middle of nowhere and having the social savvy of an alligator purse, I decided that there was a possibility that some of my worldly education had fallen by the wayside in the name of Jesus. I was ignorant. And ignorance isn't bliss...ignorance breeds hate. I'll explain: I hate aliens. I hate them because I fear them. I fear them because I do not understand them. And man will always fear what he does not understand, and inevitably hate that which he fears. A large part of the Christian community physically cannot understand how anyone could just decide not to follow the Bible. This is evil. Most Christians fear evil. All Christians hate it.
One of the things I decided to think long and hard about was gay marriage. I have several very wonderful, very gay friends, and there is absolutely no way that those people are evil. 'Hate the sin, not the sinner' is one of the Baptist church's favorite catchphrases, and one that I find increasingly aggravating. It's an enormous cop-out; a Biblical way to pat oneself on the back for following Jesus's law to love without compromising the Baptist Way Of Life.
Bullshit.
Baptists cannot physically separate the sin from the sinner, just like they cannot separate the sin from themselves. My parents--God bless them--try very hard to love everyone as Jesus loves them, but 'Love thy neighbor as thyself' (Mark 12:31) is like trying to dig the 2x4 out of your own eye (Matthew 7:3) before picking on somebody else's mascara specks...it's almost impossible. Thus, the sin becomes the sinner. 'I am my sin' has always been one of my favorite artistically emo phrases, and I think it works quite well here. However, since I left the Baptist church, I have had the presence of mind and the lack of guilt to properly look into what Jesus REALLY says about homosexuality: absolutely nothing. Nothing that was recorded, at least. Oh Gourd, this must be the end of the line. God must really hard homosexuality. I shouldn't even play with this.
Again, bullshit. As we all know, Jesus had some pivotal conversations with and caused some unprecedented changes for sluts, money-grubbers, system-feeders, and general assholes from all walks of life. He also took the time to call out the people who were 'doing it right' and take them down a notch or two, and to find the under-the-radar-flyers who were just trying to get by and help them out too. Jesus loved EVERYBODY, and that in itself is a miracle unachieved by any other human being--real or fictitious--in history.
If Jesus didn't judge, then who are you to try (Matthew 7: 1-5)? If Jesus didn't cast that first stone (John 8:7,"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."), then what do you think you're doing?
Part Two: Land of the Free, the Separation of Church and State, and my moral compass--at war.
My father served in the Navy. My grandfather was a Marine. My older brother served as Army Special Forces for two tours in the Middle East during the worst war we've ever had. My family has a long military heritage, so I don't take my rights lightly.
My first amendment right is guaranteed as follows:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
I think that's pretty badass. That means I can say what I want and nobody can do anything about it. This is true, to an extent. However, there are some things you just shouldn't say: for example, I don't consider the 'N-word' acceptable for use in everyday conversation. Not because I'm black, but because I'm human, and I don't think that it's a nice word to say. That doesn't mean that other people can't say it, but it does mean that I don't use it and that may cause physical harm to come to you if you employ it in the wrong company.
Chick-Fil-A time! Dan Cathy, the CEO of CFA recently had the nerve to give an honest answer to the question of the institution of marriage. All hell broke loose.
How dare this man?! This is hate! This is bigotry! This is...
...guaranteed by the First Amendment? You bet your sweet ass it is.
Dan Cathy did nothing wrong. He merely exercised his rights, just as the LGBT community does with its 'Get Over It' campaigns and Pride Parades. It's not hate speech, it's an answer to a question.
So, get over it.
Separation of church and state is defined as, 'the distance between organized religion and the nation state'. Thomas Jefferson said it best in his 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association: "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church and State." The grey area here is that marriage is considered a 'governmental institution', (Wikipedia defines it as follows: Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution irrespective of religious affiliation, in accordance with marriage laws of the jurisdiction.") and that's why we have citizens of the homosexual orientation petitioning and fighting for the U.S. government to legalize gay marriage. The reason this isn't legal yet is because basically all of the people in the whole damn country need to call their representatives and request that they either vote for or vote against gay marriage. Unfortunately, a little thing called DOMA stands in the way.
The Defense of Marriage Act was voted into law on Sept. 21, 1996 and defines marriage as the legal union of one man and one woman. Why? Because Bill Clinton and a bunch of other politicians said so. Someone explain to me how this is constitutional. Someone explain to me how the government can regulate marriage between two citizens of the United States. Because I am unable to find anything, anywhere, that makes any sense to me explaining why the government has their hands in this cookie jar. My pocket? I don't like it, but I get it. Marriage? To use the colloquialism, "Aw heeeeeyyyyullll nah!"
And here we are wearing our freedoms on our chest as if we're some kind of democracy or something. Tell me, how is it freedom to require the government to recognize a marriage between two people? And how is it freedom to tell two tax-paying, law-abiding citizens that they can't partake of one of their rights because they love a person of the wrong sex?
My moral compass says let the citizens of the United States; be they gay, straight, white, black, or of the Illustrious Italian descent, marry whomever they will. After all, if we're really the land of the free, shouldn't ALL of us be free?
In light of the recent Chick-Fil-A scandal, I have decided that it's time to 'come out' with my stance on gay marriage.
And coming out is exactly what it is; In any question of nationwide morals, the individual is always guilty by association. Let me explain where I'm coming from.
I was raised as a fundamental Baptist...meaning that I was raised in a religion which believes that most, if not all, of the Bible is literal and the Absolute Truth, end of story, no questions asked, the end. To question the Bible was to tread treacherous and heretical waters and usually made Mom worry for your soul and Dad jump down your throat. This wasn't intended to be detrimental or harsh, it was simply the way life was as long as we had known it. This is how my parents were raised, and their parents before them, and so on, et cetera, the end.
When the question of homosexuality came up, it was referred to our resident expert, the Lord Jesus Christ and his Holy Word.
The King James Version (the only version for a proper fundamental Baptist) referred to homosexuality as an 'abomination' (Leviticus 18:22, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is an abomination."), and that was the end of the line. Homosexuality was evil, and those people were going to hell. Do not associate with them, for 'you are known by the company you keep' (Psalm 1:1). Problem solved, right? No. Somewhere along the line, I decided that organized religion was not for me and that it was time to rethink my worldviews to better suit my new lifestyle. Yes, the best parts of that religion have stayed with me, but 'because the Bible says so' makes more enemies than friends, especially when you somehow forgot to memorize all the verses to back up your argument. In addition, growing up on a mountain in the middle of nowhere and having the social savvy of an alligator purse, I decided that there was a possibility that some of my worldly education had fallen by the wayside in the name of Jesus. I was ignorant. And ignorance isn't bliss...ignorance breeds hate. I'll explain: I hate aliens. I hate them because I fear them. I fear them because I do not understand them. And man will always fear what he does not understand, and inevitably hate that which he fears. A large part of the Christian community physically cannot understand how anyone could just decide not to follow the Bible. This is evil. Most Christians fear evil. All Christians hate it.
One of the things I decided to think long and hard about was gay marriage. I have several very wonderful, very gay friends, and there is absolutely no way that those people are evil. 'Hate the sin, not the sinner' is one of the Baptist church's favorite catchphrases, and one that I find increasingly aggravating. It's an enormous cop-out; a Biblical way to pat oneself on the back for following Jesus's law to love without compromising the Baptist Way Of Life.
Bullshit.
Baptists cannot physically separate the sin from the sinner, just like they cannot separate the sin from themselves. My parents--God bless them--try very hard to love everyone as Jesus loves them, but 'Love thy neighbor as thyself' (Mark 12:31) is like trying to dig the 2x4 out of your own eye (Matthew 7:3) before picking on somebody else's mascara specks...it's almost impossible. Thus, the sin becomes the sinner. 'I am my sin' has always been one of my favorite artistically emo phrases, and I think it works quite well here. However, since I left the Baptist church, I have had the presence of mind and the lack of guilt to properly look into what Jesus REALLY says about homosexuality: absolutely nothing. Nothing that was recorded, at least. Oh Gourd, this must be the end of the line. God must really hard homosexuality. I shouldn't even play with this.
Again, bullshit. As we all know, Jesus had some pivotal conversations with and caused some unprecedented changes for sluts, money-grubbers, system-feeders, and general assholes from all walks of life. He also took the time to call out the people who were 'doing it right' and take them down a notch or two, and to find the under-the-radar-flyers who were just trying to get by and help them out too. Jesus loved EVERYBODY, and that in itself is a miracle unachieved by any other human being--real or fictitious--in history.
If Jesus didn't judge, then who are you to try (Matthew 7: 1-5)? If Jesus didn't cast that first stone (John 8:7,"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."), then what do you think you're doing?
Part Two: Land of the Free, the Separation of Church and State, and my moral compass--at war.
My father served in the Navy. My grandfather was a Marine. My older brother served as Army Special Forces for two tours in the Middle East during the worst war we've ever had. My family has a long military heritage, so I don't take my rights lightly.
My first amendment right is guaranteed as follows:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
I think that's pretty badass. That means I can say what I want and nobody can do anything about it. This is true, to an extent. However, there are some things you just shouldn't say: for example, I don't consider the 'N-word' acceptable for use in everyday conversation. Not because I'm black, but because I'm human, and I don't think that it's a nice word to say. That doesn't mean that other people can't say it, but it does mean that I don't use it and that may cause physical harm to come to you if you employ it in the wrong company.
Chick-Fil-A time! Dan Cathy, the CEO of CFA recently had the nerve to give an honest answer to the question of the institution of marriage. All hell broke loose.
How dare this man?! This is hate! This is bigotry! This is...
...guaranteed by the First Amendment? You bet your sweet ass it is.
Dan Cathy did nothing wrong. He merely exercised his rights, just as the LGBT community does with its 'Get Over It' campaigns and Pride Parades. It's not hate speech, it's an answer to a question.
So, get over it.
Separation of church and state is defined as, 'the distance between organized religion and the nation state'. Thomas Jefferson said it best in his 1802 letter to the Danbury Baptist Association: "Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church and State." The grey area here is that marriage is considered a 'governmental institution', (Wikipedia defines it as follows: Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution irrespective of religious affiliation, in accordance with marriage laws of the jurisdiction.") and that's why we have citizens of the homosexual orientation petitioning and fighting for the U.S. government to legalize gay marriage. The reason this isn't legal yet is because basically all of the people in the whole damn country need to call their representatives and request that they either vote for or vote against gay marriage. Unfortunately, a little thing called DOMA stands in the way.
The Defense of Marriage Act was voted into law on Sept. 21, 1996 and defines marriage as the legal union of one man and one woman. Why? Because Bill Clinton and a bunch of other politicians said so. Someone explain to me how this is constitutional. Someone explain to me how the government can regulate marriage between two citizens of the United States. Because I am unable to find anything, anywhere, that makes any sense to me explaining why the government has their hands in this cookie jar. My pocket? I don't like it, but I get it. Marriage? To use the colloquialism, "Aw heeeeeyyyyullll nah!"
And here we are wearing our freedoms on our chest as if we're some kind of democracy or something. Tell me, how is it freedom to require the government to recognize a marriage between two people? And how is it freedom to tell two tax-paying, law-abiding citizens that they can't partake of one of their rights because they love a person of the wrong sex?
My moral compass says let the citizens of the United States; be they gay, straight, white, black, or of the Illustrious Italian descent, marry whomever they will. After all, if we're really the land of the free, shouldn't ALL of us be free?
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Everything.
This has been the most painful week I've had in years.
I've reached the point where I can almost talk about what happened without crying, though there are still times that I can't breathe because of the pain. I know I'm not ready to have a kid. I know I'm still a kid myself. But I wanted that one and now I'll never get to have it.
I miss my child, if you can call it that. These days, the term 'fetus' would be considered more politically correct, though I believe that that was a person in its own right. Who he or she would have been, I'll never know. And that still kills me. Every time I see a woman with her kids, I get this sense of utter loss that I don't think I can handle. I know I should just get over it, but I can't right now. That could've been me, if something didn't go wrong.
Everyone tells me there will be others, but no one seems to understand that I don't WANT another. I want mine. I want that one. I want the one I'll never get to see, never get to hold, never get to love properly. I would have given that child everything.
So I guess that's it. I'll never be a mother, because the only way I would want to be one is if somehow, I could have what I had. I'll never love anything like I love what I lost, because I don't think I CAN love anything like I love what I can't have. I don't think it's fair that people like James Holmes and Hitler got to live when my child, who would have had all the love in the world, didn't even get to make it through the first trimester. I don't think it's fair that people like Casey Anthony (whether she killed her daughter or not), who clearly didn't care about her child, get to give birth and I don't. I don't think it's fair that women can just decide they don't want to accept the consequences of their actions and have abortions and I'll never get the chance to hold my child in my arms.
Life isn't fair, is it? No. Life fucking sucks. And then you die.
Hang on,
Ness
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Safe Places
My car has become the only place where I can mourn. As usual, at work and at home, I have to pretend that I'm not being ripped apart so that I can continue to make enough money to survive and to perpetuate the permanent lie that has become my entire existence: that nothing is wrong. Because in my house, you don't cry. It's like stealing or kicking old people: you just don't.
So, I can cry twice a day: on the way to work, and on the way home.
Would this kid have been a singer like me? Or smart like its father? Would it have my eyes? Would it be an optimist, like he is, or a pessimist like me?
I'm killing myself asking these questions, but I can't stop. Just like I can't breathe.
Is this some kind of punishment for something I did?
Everybody says that this doesn't mean I can't have kids when I grow up...but I don't want others. I want that one. I want the one I couldn't keep safe the first time. I want the one I can't stop thinking about now.
I don't want to live anymore.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Chemical
I probably shouldn't be posting this online, because someone may see it, but I need to write it out.
Earlier this month, I found out I was pregnant. Then, I had what they call a 'chemical pregnancy', which is when you miscarry very early.
I am devastated.
I didn't even want kids until I knew I had one. And now, I don't know how to take this. Should I just get over it, because I wasn't even really expecting it? Because I didn't have time to get to know what would have been my child? Should I continue to feel like a piece of me died? Because that's exactly what it was. I'll never get to take this kid to school. Or hold it's hand while we cross the street. Or find out if it looked like me or him, and it's killing me inside.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you alive. I'm sorry I'll never know your name, get to hold you, or tell you you'll be alright. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe. I love you.
Friday, 1 June 2012
The Times, They Are A-Changing...
...and I don't know what to make of it.
I'm transferring to a new store...this one is at least an hour away. I say 'at least' because the commute could take God knows how long with traffic.
I'm getting a raise with this transfer, which is nice. I'm also getting bumped up in line for promotion, which is nicer. But I'm still worried...this company, like all companies, has a tendency to screw people over. Fuck this shit.
In addition to my new location, I've encountered a new and particularly uncomfortable bout of depression, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm extra lonely right now. And extra sad.
I don't know what else in my life is going to change soon, but I feel like something is coming. And I don't know if it's good or bad. I need a big fat hug.
Hang on,
Ness
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