Break And Breathe

Tonight, I feel small.

     The sky is clear, and the moon is full. Well, I lied. There are a few small clouds, and they are beautiful. Absolutely fucking beautiful. This is an amazing night. When something is this perfect, it makes me hurt inside. I have no idea why, but I've always felt an almost physical pain in my chest when I see something beautiful that I know I can't hold on to. 

     Tonight, I feel small. Not just physically small, though...I feel young. Like I'm just a kid who needs someone to hold her and tell her everything will be ok, and tell her that she is beautiful and wonderful, just like this sky I'm sitting under. I don't know why I feel so sad and small tonight, but I do. Its frustrating to feel this way when I don't know why I do...I guess this is depression? Either way, I can't figure it out and it hurts. 
     I guess I'm not all better yet. But I am getting there. On a night like this before I started getting better, I would have looked at the sky and thought about how I don't deserve to be alive to see it. Then I'd think of all the things in my life that I don't deserve. Then I'd cut myself as punishment for being alive, and I'd lie awake all night berating myself for not being dead yet. And to tell you the truth, tonight I kind of feel like slipping back into what I know. But I can't, because if I don't fight these battles, I will never get better. And I will never be able to look at the sky when it's all black and silvery and beautiful and feel anything but sadness. 

     I sure hope this shit gets read by somebody who needs to hear it, somehow. Because while writing this stuff down is helping me by allowing me to sort out my thoughts and see my progress and remember what I came from, it's pointless to put all this out there if it's helping no one. 

My thoughts are so scattered tonight, can you tell? This post doesn't even really have a purpose other than for me to try and understand what's in my fucking head. Three posts today, what the fuck.

     Anyway, tonight I will make a conscious decision to be ok. I will not fall. I will not fall. 

Hopefully, somebody else out there is making the same decision. Hopefully somebody who hurts is making a decision to turn things around, to be better tomorrow than they were today and to be better next year than they were this year and to actually be around to see next year. 

Hang on,
Ness