I Did It Again.

Today was a good day.

Today, I confronted some of my more physically painful memories...the ones that made me run away and black out and throw up.  And guess what? I fucking won. 

     I am beginning to do things I thought I never would. I am allowing myself to trust again. To be vulnerable. To be open. To be me. 

     I once read that freedom has a taste that the protected will never know. It's true. You never really value things like dignity, safety, and innocence to their fullest extent until you lose them. My innocence is gone. But my dignity and the feeling of finally being safe are coming back. I understand these things on a deeper level. I hold on to them with everything I've got. Because I'm free now...I'm fucking done being hog-tied by my fears and my past and my hatred for myself and the little raped girl and the man who ruined her. I can look anybody in the eye and know that I am just as human as they are. I can look myself in the eye and know that even though sometimes I don't see it, I do deserve to live, and I do deserve the chance to grow up to be somebody, and I do deserve to feel just as alive as anyone else. And it is so fucking good. This is what I should have had all along, only sweeter: because I had to work for it. 

     My past doesn't define me. My name isn't Victim. I am not a fucking statistic. And I will face my days one by one, and I will take my memories by their throats and I will make it all mine again. I can't change the beginning of my story. But I am sure as hell going to give it a better ending. 

Hang on,
Ness